People amaze me sometimes.  I often wish I could read minds just to know why they do the things they do.

I have neighbors, as do most of us.  Mine have a small dog.  He's adorable in the extreme.  The chick lives with her boyfriend.  I can sometimes hear him yelling.  He doesn't sound like a nice person.  She seems like a nice person... but I don't know her, so...

They sometimes leave their trash sitting in front of their door.  I do it too, but only when I'm going to be taking it out in the next 30 mins or so.  They leave it out there for days on end.

So they'd had a bag of trash out there over the weekend and monday night when I got home from the movies it was gone.  I went outside the next morning to pull a shirt out of the dryer and guess what was on my porch?  Their bag of trash.

...

what the hell is up with that?  seriously.  what do you have to be thinking to drop your trash on someone else's porch?

i was nice.  i didn't wake them up at 6 am to ask if they'd lost something.  i just put it back down in front of their door and thanked god that i wasn't going to be dealing with it much longer.

but still... really.  what the hell?

This has been a rather hectic week. 

Coming up on the end of the fiscal year at work and mentally scrambling around like mad with the whole looking for a new job thing.

I had something I wanted to write about specifically... but I've forgotten what it was now.

So instead we'll throw out a little bit of humour.

I'm a rather oblivious little monkey most of the time.  I very rarely (alright pretty much never) see or understand that I'm alright on the eyes.  I honestly don't see it myself so it doesn't register.

So there I am the other night minding my business and totally spaced out thinking about job hunting and whatnot and trying to come up with articles for zam (one didn't go up this week due to the busy aspect).

Some random guy comes up to me and starts talking to me.  Right about the time he asked me for contact info so he could "show me around" if I moved out that way, I cottoned on to the fact that I might actually be getting hit on...

It was a little surreal.  I'm just not used to it.  Either that or I don't notice it.  Which is entirely possible, since when I told my best friend about it her comment was something to the effect of:  If you noticed he had to be humping your leg.

...

Which makes me wonder, am I that oblivious when it comes to everything?  I like to think that I am a little on the observant side.  I like to watch people and I like to know the why of things.  So, am I deluding myself and I'm not nearly as in tune as I like to think, or am I only selectively oblivious? 

So I've been busy and my brain has been more than a little fried.

So I took sort of a mini break and only did as much online as I had to for a week.  I spent the rest of the time reading and watching the second season of House.

I also did some pondering about a few things.  One of which is management.  I get to deal with some fun management types in every aspect of my life.  The day job has people that make me wonder how they function, let alone how they do their jobs.

There's a woman with a hinie the size of california who gets paid an atrocious sum of money to be a "manager."  Most of her work gets done by flunkies.  I guess that's okay... after all the mark of a good manager is the ability to delegate.  However, she takes credit for the good work and foists all the blame when something goes south.  That is not good management.  We've also been shifting around offices and giving up some of the space in our suite to reduce our rent (which currently sits at over 600k).  She's got a fragile sort working for her, someone who needs to be handled properly to keep her from overreacting.  So what does our oh so great manager do?  She goes on vacation for a week and doesn't tell the woman anything.  She sends her an email.  And why?  Because she didn't want to have to deal with her being upset by the change.  * boggle *

Seriously, if you're dealing with a woman who takes poorly to change you don't break it to her via email.  You sit her down with the other two people who have to move and explain, answer the questions, let her know she isn't losing her job and that things will be fine and she isn't the only one moving.  There, problem solved and you've shown your employees that you care.

Feedback and consideration are some of the best tools a manager has at their disposal.  Being straight with your employees and giving them honest feedback will win you a hell of a lot more loyalty than double dealing and game playing.  Why is this such a hard concept for people to grasp?

This has been foremost on my mind lately for a couple of reasons.  One, because it's happening right now in the office and as hard as I try to avoid the drama, it's impossible not to know it's happening.  Two, because I have a job interview tomorrow.  It's only a preliminary, but if I am dazzlingly amazing and all that kind of good stuff I might earn myself a face to face interview and maybe even a job...  So naturally I've been examining myself and my philosophies about management in general and specifically community management and hoping that what I've learned over the last four years has been enough to get me into a position to learn more...

Other than the typical nausea that accompanies any situation that I can't assure myself of my own perfection, I've decided that I don't really suck all that much.  I'm fairly certain that my ideas on gaming communities, while maybe not perfect, are a good foundation.  I really hope that I can get this job.  I know I'll learn a lot and it's my dream job.

I ran across this little blurb taken from glamour while I was trying to figure out what the hell the chick dj on the radio was saying.  (Incidentally she was saying vlogger not blogger... and yeah vlogger is just... one of those WHY??? things)

Anyway.  I read this and it sort of tickled me since I'd just done The Man FAQ. 

7-things MEN have always wanted to know

1. How do you feel after a one night stand?

2. Why do you take so long to get ready?

3. Do you ever get used to wearing a thong?

4. Are you a feminist when the bill comes?

5. Will something from Tiffany's solve everything?

6. Do you watch porn?

7. How often do you think about sex

ahem.

1)  Like crap actually, which is why I don't do it.  I ran through that phase REALLY fast.

2)  I don't actually.  I don't like doing my hair and I hate wearing makeup.  I tend to want comfy clothes vs sexy clothes and all too often the two are mutually exclusive.  (Course this could also be why I'm single.)

3)  Yup.  Thongs are actually very comfy.  Plus, no panty line.

4)  I'm assuming that means, do I want to pay my own way.  Yes.  More often than not, I'll fight for the bill because I don't like the idea that someone will ever feel like they are obligated to pay for me.  Especially if I'm the one who has done the inviting out.

5)  No... It's actually more likely to start a fight.  Now... hit me up with a video game I want or a new computer part and we'll get on to the making up.

6)  Not really.  I never actually "got" porn.  Until very recently I just thought it was all ridiculous and pointless.

7)  More often than you do.

Might be time to come up with 7 things that women have always wanted to know...

So, I meant to do this the other day, but silly things like not existing in the work computers because HR got a wild hair up its butt and decided to terminate me, my permadeath contest over at zam (and my super uber screw up!), and having to drive to dallas for the kiddo's karate tourney kind of got in the way of blogging goodness.

On the other hand, I did manage to pull off the MMO Player's FAQ which just made me giggle like an idiot (sidebar: richard cheese's version of enter sandman is funny as shit go listen to it).

So I figured it was time to get my woman card revoked :)  Go me right?  I can always use more hate anyway.

The Woman FAQ

(At first I was just going to go with questions that are asked of us and to which we respond, but that just was too limiting... so now I've expanded it to questions we also ask and the answers we expect and all the neurotic shit that goes along with our reasons for asking in the first place.  Also, please note that this is deliberately and very tongue-in-cheekishly skewed to sound as bitter as humanly possible, because that's actually how it sounds in our heads while we're silently hating you.)

Q:  What's wrong?

A:  Nothing.  Of course something really is wrong, but I'm saying nothing for one of several reasons.  I might not be ready to talk about what's bothering me yet because it's still too fresh in my mind and therefore I know that I'm upset but not really why I'm upset and until I figure out what about it actually made me upset in the first place it's pointless for me to try to explain to you cause you'll just make it worse by trying to fix it instead of understanding and trying to help me get to the root of what's bugging me. 

Of course, I also could know exactly what's wrong but I don't want to talk to you about it because you're what's wrong and it's something I've talked to you about so many times now that I'm just frustrated and pissed off that you don't seem to care enough about me to remember that what you just did upsets me and that leads into a whole other seething cauldron of emotions because if you don't care enough about me to remember that one little thing do you really care about me at all and now I'm having to deal with all these questions about our relationship.

Then there's always the fact that I've already told you what was wrong and you either ignored me or didn't care enough to remember what was wrong and while I'm wanting comfort and to talk about it you were off involved in your own little piddly shit while I've been suffering so now on top of being uspet about whatever was originally wrong, now I'm mad at you because you let me down.  Again.

Q:  Does this make me look fat?

A:  There is no correct answer to this.  No matter how you answer it will be wrong.  It's really just a test to see what you think of us.  See, we already think we look fat in everything.  Even if we're 95 pounds soaking wet, we still think we look fat because society has conditioned us to think that we can only be attractive if we look like anorexic crack whores and of course since you're a man and you think with your dangly bits you buy into all that crap and stare at girls who look like something we couldn't look like even with the help of the best plastic surgeon on the face of the planet.  So really all this is, is our way of getting back at you for being a pig cause we get to ream you and be angry at you for however you answer this.  So just suck it up.  Btw...  without hesitation saying "Of course, not.  You're perfect and beautiful."  will ameliorate your suffering just a little.  You don't want to know what happens if you're stupid enough to hesitate or tell the truth...

Q:  Do you think she's pretty?

A:  Whilst this seems like a perfectly innocent question, any man with any experience at all will immediately hit the ejector seat button and run for safety.  This is another one with no right answer.  You're boned no  matter what you say.  Cause see, we saw you watching her.  And no you didn't just glance, assclown.  You gave yourself whiplash you watched her so hard.  So obviously you think she's pretty and you'd do her in a heartbeat.  What we really want to know is if you think she's prettier than us.  But of course you do because you're a man and you think you can get any hot chick out there even if you yourself are only barely presentable and should really be down on your knees thanking all the gods that ever existed or were worshipped that we are with you in the first place.  But because of the genetic drive to sow your seed everywhere you can, you are also blessed with the delusion that every woman in the world wants you.  We don't get this.  So now you have to suffer.

Q:  Is it okay if I go out with the guys?

A:  Sure.  Go.  See that right there?  Any guy with any experience would immediately call the guys and say "Dude... I can't.  I just screwed up huge and need to do major damage control."  Most guys, however, can't recognize the tell tale signs of danger.  We really need to come with rattles in our asses like snakes...  I think it'd be safer all around.  See, that answer right there?  What that really translates to is something along the lines of:  Sure... go out with your friends you jerk.  I hate you anyway.  Go get drunk and look at other women.  Course the sexy lingere that I bought to surprise you with tonight and the 62" TV that I got you for our ANNIVERSARY are going in the trash.  And while you're out ogling strippers I'll be out with the girls having sex with some random guy or maybe even GUYS because you are a total creep and couldn't be bothered to remember that we've been together for 10 years now.  So rather than waste any more time on your inconsiderate non-commital ass, when you do finally get home, all your shit will be on the lawn and the locks will be changed.  Go sleep on Bambi's couch you jerk.  No, really... she likes you for you.  Never mind that she's a stripper and the nicer she is to you the more money you give her.  You stupid piece of crap.

Q:  What do you want for (your birthday, our anniversary, christmas... whatever)?

A:  Oh, I don't want anything.  What this really means is that I don't want to have to tell you what to get me you lazy jerk.  You should be sitting there all year long thinking about me and what you can do to show me you really care and planning out some thoughtful gift.  That's what I do for you.  I'm sick and fucking tired of having you wait til the last minute and having to go out and get my own damn gift and wrap it and give it to myself for you because you can't be bothered to drag yourself away from that oh so much more important model airplane to think for a second about all the things that I do for you all damn year and you can't spend 10 freaking minutes to observe that I nearly creamed my jeans over the new video card or quad core processor?  The least you can do is watch a commercial and be lame and go with the generic jewelry thing if you can't exercise a whole damn brain cell to think about me or anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are we getting the general idea here?  Everything we say or think ends up having at least 800 other hidden meanings somewhere in there.  Course everything YOU say also ends up having at least 800 other meanings and our minds are constantly racing.

Some women are cool enough to spell it out for you.  These are women who have had a lot of experience.  Been married, been in a long relationship... whatever.  They've learned.  Make it simple.  Make them go back and repeat it back to you to make sure it stuck...  You know.  Like you're talking to a five year old.

The rest of the time is spent in a morass of self doubt and total frustration...  And people wonder why there are communication issues lol.

So.  I was talking to Radar this morning (which is basically a weekday ritual since the asshat doesn't play freaking EQ2 anymore and I hardly get to hang out with him anymore, this is how we keep in touch).  We were going through our usual random list of topics and touched on the typical rhetorical questions that I ask him on a fairly regular basis.  "Did you even f***ing READ it?" "What the hell were you THINKING?" "Why are you being such a... MAN???"

The usual.  This led to a fit of giggles (and lemme tell ya ladies, his giggle is all kinds of cute and girlish, you just don't hear it in the podcast all that much cause he edits out all the parts that make him sound less than manly).  Out of this the concept of The Man FAQ was born.  Naturally, since I'm totally fair, there will follow The Woman FAQ.

So, without further ado (yes, it's further ADO not adieu cause that's goodbye in frelling french you uneducated twits, nor is it adue so for the love of god if you're gonna use a goddamned term use it right or don't do it at all cause you just make yourself look stupid... er) I bring you...

The Man FAQ 

Q:  Are you listening to me? 

A:  Actually no I'm not.  I tuned out somewhere after the tenth straight minute of your babbling cause you're talking about something completely not interesting to me and I'm really just hoping you get to the point soon so I can go back to my video game/comic book/tv show/mowing the lawn/or any of the other thousand things I'd rather be doing than listen to you blather.  But since I can't tell you the truth without this turning into a four hour tirade about your feelings and crap, I'm just going to nod and smile and say:  Of course I'm listening, please go on.  After which I'll tune back out until you ask again. 

Q:  Did you even READ that?

A:  Yes, I read it.  But I didn't read it carefully because I wasn't paying very close attention to what we were talking about and I'm a very poor multi-tasker.  So right now while you're getting annoyed because I've changed my position on this discussion three times now and finally just repeated back to you what you said to start with and you clearly know I wasn't really reading or comprehending, I'm just going to say that I was just agreeing with you all along.  Yes we both know it's BS, but you'll let it go because you know that this is how I always am. 

Q:  Was that even English? 

A:  Well, now that I look back at it, no it really wasn't.  However, since we've already established that I can't multi-task for poo and that I rarely read things all the way through and stop to make sure I comprehend before I respond, are you really surprised?  Besides, I'm a product of the public school system, I live in (in Radar's case Florida and is therefore an inbred hillbilly) some state that can be ragged on for having backwoods people and I'm going to use that to my advantage now to make you laugh as I poke fun at whatever demographic is funniest in this case, oh and it isn't like some major network of fan sites pays me to write or anything, so get over it. 

Q:  What were you THINKING??? 

A:  Truthfully?  I really wasn't.  There were boobs. 

Q:  Why do you have to be such a f***ing MAN?!?!?! 

A:  Ummm... 

Q:  Well?  Aren't you going to say you're SORRY??? 

A:  Of course I'm going to say that I'm sorry.  Because it's obvious that this is the only way to get you to shut up about whatever it is you're yapping about this time.  I don't know what I did and I'm pretty sure that I didn't actually DO anything but for some reason you're annoyed with me and saying that I'm sorry is the only way out even if I don't mean it...  

I'll add to this when I find more.  Stay tuned for tomorrow and The Woman FAQ!